Dehla Dove and the Mysterious Sparkling Man
by Luna x3
Summary: When Dehla Dove moves to Spoons, she catches the eye of angsty vampire Cedward Sullen. Drama and hilarity ensue.
1. BODY ODOR

**Dehla Dove and the Mysterious Sparkling Man**

**PROLOGUE**

I'mgonnadieI'mgonnadieI'mgonnadieI'mgonnadie

_Crap_.

You know, I should probably say something noble here, like "Oh, but at least I'm doing it to save someone I love", but in all honesty, all I can think about right now is the fact that I'm about to be teared apart limb from limb, and that afterwards, my blood is going to be completely drained from my body.

But you know, at least it's this really hot guy doing it. Like, at least it isn't some creepy 40 year old dude.

Maybe I can convince him to take away my virginity first?

**CHAPTER ONE: BODY ODOR**

Rain is wet. Wet and cold. It makes your skin wet, and your hair wet, and your clothes wet.

This is why I dislike rain.

I have decided to move in with my dad, Chuck, because my mom has finally decided to take up her dream of becoming a Las Vegas Prostitute. She said I could come with her, but I think she was being nice. Because I heard her talking to her boyfriend, the semi-famous pornstar Phuckame Phill, and she totally said that my boobs weren't big enough, and that I had too much body fat. I didn't eat for a month after that. Thanks, mom.

Anyway, my dad lives in this really emo town, named Spoons, where it's raining like 95% of the time. My mom asked me how I felt about going there...I said, "Wet."

Only emo people live in this town, I think. So that they have the privilege of walking around and saying "Oh, you think you have a rain cloud over your head 24/7? Well, I actually _do!_"

Chuck is probably one of the most emo people out there. I might have to break his stereo...whenever I used to spend time with him, he used to have really depressing violin music blasting all the time. Also, his bedroom is painted black, and there is a shrine devoted to my mom in the back of his closet. I saw it once when I was cleaning up the layer of filth that had accumulated since my last visit there.

I couldn't sleep for days.

So anyway, I'm moving in with my dad. I'm hoping I last a while before slitting my wrists.

I'm used to hot, sunny weather, so I wasn't sure what to buy for my trip to cold, soggy Spoons. I decided on lots of black clothes, because of the whole emo thing. Black turtlenecks, black tights, some black Doc Martens...I can only hope I'll be accepted by my peers. Although, let me tell you, if they're all wearing white face make-up and black nail polish, I'm high-tailing out of here.

My dad picks me up from the airport, and immediately his eyes bug out at me. "What are you wearing?" he says. I look down at my outfit. Black shirt, black jacket, black jeans, black rain boots. I clipped a little fake black spider to my hair. You know, just for good measure.

"I'm wearing Spoons Attire, Daddy. Don't you like it?"

He doesn't say anything for a few minutes. Then he says "There's a bug in your hair.", rips out the rubber spider, and throws it on the ground. I decide not to say anything.

We drive back to the house in silence. Chuck doesn't say much. He burps a couple of times though, and possibly releases a few SBDs...I mean, who else can it be? We're the only people in the car.

"Oh, Dehli, I bought you a car."

"Oh, really? Shweet."

"It's a great car. Really."

"I believe you. Yay. Thanks."

"Like, it's _really_ nice, okay? Don't be worried or anything."

"I'm not worried...why would I be worried?"

"I'm just saying, don't be. Because it's an awesome car. A great car. Don't even worry about it."

Now I'm worried.

We get to the house, and I see I worried for a good reason.

It's...

Well, it's a piece of crap.

"Wow, Dad."

"You like it, right? Of course you do!"

I'm not sure how I feel. I mean, I was sort of expecting a hearse, by the way things were going.

"Where did you get this...thing?"

"Oh, sweetie, don't talk about it that way. It has feelings, you know."

I get out of the car, and walk over to my...thing.

"It's...a nice color?"

It's a rusty red...although I'm beginning to think that this isn't a paint job, but rather actual _rust_.

"It belonged to an old friend of mine, Billybob Dark. You remember him, right?"

I picture a hillbilly with dental issues. "Maybe?"

"He has a son, around your age. Jack Dark."

"That's cute."

"I've arranged for the two of you to get married."

I'm in the middle of trying to open the door; it's stuck. I finally manage to yank it open, and the whole thing comes off. "What did you say?"

"Nothing."

We go inside, and Chuck shows me my room. It's bland and sort of tasteful. I dump my suitcase on the bed, and turn behind me to thank Chuck, but he's disappeared. I'm beginning to sympathize with my mom.

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I get up early the next morning, and dress in a black tee-shirt, a black hoodie, and the black jeans I wore the day before. When you're emo, dirty is clean.

I look at myself in the mirror, and I look like death. I should fit in perfectly.

I can't help wishing I had a bigger chest, because if I did, I'd be in Las Vegas right now, learning how to pole dance.

I go downstairs, decide to skip breakfast, and grab my bookbag. "Dad?" No answer. Great. I turn to the front door and there he is, in front of me. I scream, and he puts his hand over my mouth.

"Dehli, just wanted to wish you good luck today." He kisses my forehead, and then disappears into the kitchen. I decide to pretend that that didn't just happen.

When I go outside, it's raining. Wonderful. I run to the car, and catapult myself inside. If water touches me, I melt.

The car doesn't start until my 22nd try. When it does, it makes a sound like a jackhammer.

I bet the other kids will be so jealous.

Somehow, with my great animal instinct, I manage to find the school. I drove the entire way with my eyes closed, hoping that I'd either luck out, or get crushed by another car. As it is, I'm probably leaving a trail of auto parts behind me.

The school parking lot is filled with random cars that aren't as speshul as mine. Oh, except that one. There's a really nice black car with like a big H on it. I don't know what that means, but it's Hot.

Nobody's outside, so nobody's staring at the piece of crap car or the New Girl. Thank...Satan.

I walk into the building, go into the main office, and immediately know that something's wrong. The secretary isn't wearing black. She's wearing pink. I try not to let this get to me.

"Excuse me, my name is..."

"Dehla Dove. We've been waiting for you." She smiles widely, and her eyes look like they're out of focus. O...kay.

She gives me my class schedule, and then giggles in a funny way before sending me off to class. I walk slowly down the hallway, scared shitless. _Why couldn't I be a stripper why why why..._

I get to class and immediately feel as if I'm going to collapse onto the floor and never get up again.

Apparently, the people of Spoons aren't Gothic, Satan-worshiping emos after all. They're shockingly normal....and they all grin at me in the same way that the creepy secretary did.

The teacher glances at me, and smiles. "Class, please welcome Miss Dehla Dove!" With his enthusiasm, I was afraid the class was going to break into song. They don't.

I sit down next to a boy with big teeth, bad hair, and pimples.

"Hi Dehla."

"Actually, it's Dehla."

"Isn't that what I said?"

"No."

He looks puzzled for a moment, and then he says, "Hey hot stuff. I'm Derek, and I want you to have my babies."

I smile in the best way that I can. "Gee, that's flattering."

"Wanna do something later?"

"I have plans."

"Tomorrow?"

"Plans."

"Thursday?"

"I'm a lesbian."

He stares at me for a minute, then shrugs. "I can handle that."

"I can't."

"Can we be friends?"

"Sure, friends."

"Friends with benefits?"

"No."

"Okay. Deal."

After Derek stops smiling at me and looking at my pants, he actually turns out to be kind of nice. He walks me to lunch, and lets me sit at his table. "This is Jenny, Angie, and Lilly. They're cool."

Each girl bobs their head respectively.

"This is Mickey."

A cute boy barely acknowledges my presence, so immediately, I'm wild about him. But then he looks up, notices that I'm of a female variety, and starts grinning like a maniac...and so of course, all of the feelings I might have had for him are doused. "You must be Dehla."

"No, it's Dehla."

"That's what I said."

"No, you didn't."

"Whatever. Come sit with me!"

I smile nervously and plop down next to one of the eager bopping girls. I think this one is Jenny.

"Hi Dehla!"

"It's _DEHLA_."

"Okay!"

I roll my eyes, and decide to stare into space for a while.

And then I see them.

The only actual emo people in the entire school.

"Who are those guys?"

"Oh, those are the Sullens. There's Cinderella, Snow White, Eckerds, Jeapers, and Cedward."

"Wow." Why couldn't my parents name me something normal like that? Instead, I get stuck with stupid Dehla, with half of the world's population not figuring out how to pronounce it.

They're all beautiful. Really beautiful. They either have really pale skin, or the best goth makeup on the market. I can tell which ones are Cinderella and Snow White right away – Cinderella is a gorgeous blond, and Snow White is a black-haired tiny thing. But as for the others...

"Which guy is which?"

"Eckerds is the big guy. Jeapers is the one that looks constipated. And Cedward is the one you're going to marry and have a mutant baby with."

"Come again?"

"I said, Cedward is the one with the red hair."

"Oh, gotcha." I need to get my hearing checked.

"Don't even think about asking any of them out, though."

"I wasn't." Really.

"Because they'd all reject you. All of them."

"Okay. Got it."

"Especially Cedward. Don't go near him."

"Ten-four."

"Because he's too good for you."

"Okay."

"Don't feel bad, though. He doesn't like anyone. You're no exception."

"Wonderful."

The girl who might be Jenny sighs. "I'm so sorry, Dehla. I hate crushing you like this."

She's pronounced my name wrong again.

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"Hey, new girl."

My biology teacher turns out to be a normal guy. That's nice.

"Go sit next there."

He points at the only empty seat in the classroom. It's next to Cedward, the guy who's too good for me. I shrug.

I go to sit down next to Cedward, and all of a sudden he starts retching. _Retching. _I absently wonder if he has some kind of disease.

"Should I get the nurse?" I decide to be polite. Since, you know, he's actually not bad looking.

He turns his head all the way around, like the girl in the exorcist, and he's glaring at me. If eyes had bullets, I'd have a big ol' GSW in the chest.

"Geez. Sorry."

He hisses.

Why, oh why, did I move to Spoons?

Now he's gripping his nose, and he's barely breathing. I'm freaking out a little bit, because now I think it's me. I suddenly remember that I forgot to put on deodorant this morning. Oh, _god._

I glance over at Cedward's paper. Even though he still has one hand desperately gripping his nose, he's now drawing a picture on the back of the biology worksheet. He's drawing a girl with little droplets spurting from her neck. A little word bubbles reads, _Help me._

Oh,_ snap_.

The bell rings and Cedward rushes out of the room, leaving his masterpiece behind.

"Wow, Dehla, that's a nice drawing you've got there."

Mickey's behind me, panting over my shoulder. I grimace. "It's _Dehla_. And that's not mine, it's that kid's..."

"Cedward? Wow. He's a really good artist!"

I stare at the stick figure. "Oh, yeah."

"Looks like you!"

"No kidding?"

"Wow. What'd you do?"

"Nothing, I...Mickey?"

"What?"

"Do I smell?"

"Uh...no comment?"

"Really, Mickey. Because he was sort of holding his nose in this funny way, and I was wondering..."

Mickey looks embarrassed, like he doesn't know what to say. Finally, he clears his throat. "It's kind of obvious, Dehla. Nobody said anything because you're the new girl and everything and we wanted to be nice. Plus, we thought maybe Goths don't wear deoderant."

My eyes fill up with tears. "So you mean, I have really bad body odor?"

"I'm afraid so."

I run away, tripping over my untied shoelaces six times before making it out of the building. Next stop, Rite Aid, aisle 7.

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	2. SPOONS AND FROGS

**CHAPTER TWO: SPOONS AND FROGS**

So after taking 3 showers and heavily applying several brands of deodorant, I begin to obsess about this Cedward Sullen guy.

I guess I can excuse his rudeness. After all, I _did_ smell...

But couldn't he at least have said "hi"? Or like, did one of those funny grimace/smiles that people do when they say hi to people they don't like very much?

Cedward was the only guy who didn't slobber all over me though...and he's cute enough to have a crush on...

I close my eyes and count to three. Okay, I am officially crushing on Cedward Sullen. I want to jump on him and rip his clothes off with my teeth. I want to bear his children.

Wow, that was easy.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This time, when I get to school, there are people in the parking lot.

So people actually _see_ my piece of shit car.

By the way, I've named her Renesmee. Because I really like that name for some odd reason. Don't ask me. I think my mom drank a little too much when she was pregnant with me.

"Wow, new girl. Nice car!"

I can't really see who's shouting at me, because giant puffs of smoke are coming from the engine. I cough and yell back "Thanks!"

I park the car (somehow) after almost hitting several other cars (and nearly running over a large percentage of the student population). The door is stuck again, of course, and by the time I force it open, I've accumulated a rather large audience.

The stress makes me fall off my seat and onto the pavement.

"DEHLA! Are you okay?!"

I stand up, perfectly fine. "Why wouldn't I be? And also, it's Dehla, okay? D-e-h-l-a. Rhymes with schmella."

I see the speaker is Derek, the boy who tried desperately to hit on me yesterday. I think he's gotten uglier.

Or maybe everyone is just uglier in general, now that I've decided to crush on Cedward Sullen.

"Are you sure? Because I can nurse you back to health. I've got the skills. I can heal you, _baby_. All day every day. Just call me the love doctor."

I decide just to walk away, and hope for the best.

School is a drag. The girl named Jenny thinks she's my BFF now, and keeps going on and on about the slumber party we _need _to have, and how we're going to make smores, and talk about boys.

Please. I'm way too mature to talk about high school boys anymore. I'm in love with the untouchable Cedward Sullen. Nobody else even matters. Not even me.

I walk into lunch, excited. Because you see, when you're madly in love with someone who doesn't know you exist, you get the excitement of staring at them from across the room and pretending you're not every time they catch you. The rush is amazing.

Only guess what? Cedward is absent.

I have a panic attack in the middle of the lunchroom. I collapse onto the floor and my knees slide out from under me. Soon the side of my face is pressed against the linoleum and I'm panting ridiculously.

"Uh, Dehla? Are you okay?"

"Just peachy," I answer between pants. How could he do this to me? He is my future husband! My life! My sole reason for breathing! I allow myself to shed a few tears before standing up.

"What was that about?" Jenny is eyeing me as if I'm going to start foaming at the mouth.

"Nothing. Just a little sad."

"Because we're having tuna salad for lunch?"

"Yeah, yeah."

"Oh, okay." She pauses. "He'll be back tomorrow probably. They're really only absent when the weather is nice."

"Who, now?"

"Cedward. Cedward Sullen."

I giggle despite myself. _Bond. James Bond_. "Oh, okay? I wasn't really thinking about that honestly."

"Oh, come on, Dehla. Everyone knows."

"Knows what?"

"That you've got the hots for Cedward."

I stare at her as if she has three heads. "What?"

"It's written all over you."

I snort. "Really, now. It's not _that_ noticeable."

"Dehla..." She grabs my arm, and I sigh irritably. Oh. I forgot that I had written _Mrs Cedward Sullen_ all over my forearms with my eyeliner.

"It's a different Cedward Sullen, okay? One from my old school. No relation to this guy whatsoever."

Jenny rolls her eyes at me, and we sit down at the lunch table, where I put my head down and sleep for the rest of the lunch period. Nobody bothers to wake me though, so I end up sleeping through my last two classes.

It's not like that matters, though. Because Cedward wasn't in Biology anyway. It would have been a huge waste of time. What would I do, learn something? Come on.

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The next five days aren't worth mentioning because they are Cedward free. Therefore, I am not including them as part of my existence.

I go to lunch on the sixth day, and quickly look at the Sullen's lunch table.

He's there! My love! My hope! My sugar-apple-pie!

I skip joyfully to my lunch table, and on the way, I trip and fall flat on my face. It takes less than half a minute for the school's entire male population to be at my side.

Except for the only male that matters, of course.

"DEHLA, ARE YOU OKAY?"  
"Someone call an ambulance!"

"Her face looks all squished in!"  
"No, I think it looked that way before!"

I stand up and brush of my clothes. It turns out black fabric accumulates a _lot_ of lint.

And cat hair, even though I don't own a cat.

"Guys, guys, I'm fine." I pick up my books and walk slowly over to my lunch table, ignoring the throbbing pain in my calves.

Jenny greats me with a wide grin and raised eyebrows. "Well, you're in a good mood today, Dehla."

I kick her underneath the table, and she shuts up.

Lunch can't go by fast enough. I shove my food in my face, swallowing it so quickly that I end up having to run to the garbage can to cough it back up again. This turned out to be helpful, because by the time I felt normal again, the period was over.

I run to biology, but stop before I reach the classroom. This is it. The big moment.

What if he doesn't like me? What if he thinks I'm fat? Thankfully I know I don't smell today. Just to be sure, I spray myself with Lysol before entering.

There he is. Beautiful and gorgeous and godlike and beautiful. I walk to my seat in a dreamy way, like I'm in a movie or something. I sit down on my stool and bat my eyelashes, smiling at him with my newly Crest White Strip-whitened teeth.

Then I see the look on his face and realize that we've never actually spoken to each other. And that the last time we saw each other, he sort of hated me and wanted to rip open my neck.

Oops.

Thankfully, he doesn't look quite so hostile today. With raised eyebrow, he sort of smiles, and says "Well, hello there. My name is Cedward Sullen. I apologize for my rude behavior the other day. It's Dehla, right?"

I sigh in ecstasy. Because of _course_, he's pronounced my name perfectly.

"Oh, it's no problem whatsoever, Cedward." I get a little thrill from saying his name.

"Right." We begin to work on the lab assignment. We're dissecting a frog.

"Oh, yuck. This thing is disgusting...so cold and wet and slimy."

Cedward looks a little bit uncomfortable and raises his eyebrows again. I'm beginning to wonder if raised eyebrows is his natural expression, when he narrows them and says, "So if you don't like the...uh...wet, why did you move to Spoons?"

"Because my mother thinks that I am not pretty enough to work in Vegas, and that's where she was going."

"Wow, that's pretty inaccurate." He offers me a smile, and it's all I can do to keep from hyperventilating with happiness. My heart's pounding wildly in my chest.

"Are you okay? You look sort of pale." I realize that I'm displaying all of the signs of a panic attack, and so I take a deep breath and try to calm myself down.

"I'm okay. I'm not so good at taking compliments."

We work in silence for a while, and then he says "You hate it here in Spoons, don't you?"

I sigh. I am overwhelmed with the urge to tell him everything, from my distaste of Spoons, to the color of the underwear I am wearing. "Sort of. I guess it's okay."

"What don't you like?"

"Well, for one, I'm not very popular here. I'm not really a people person, and so people tend to stay away from me."

I drop my little dissecting-tool thingie on the floor. All heads swivel toward me and I hear a unanimous murmur of "oh, Dehla, let me get that for you!"

I bend down and pick it up, rolling my eyes irritably. "I've got it, okay?!"

And there go Cedward's eyebrows, up into his hairline.

I take this opportunity to notice something different about Cedward's eyes. They seem to have significantly lightened in color since that day that he was drawing disturbing doodles of me.

"Hey, are you wearing contacts?"

Fshoom. Down go the eyebrows. "No. I am not."

"You sure? Your eyes look all sparkly and gold-ish right now."

"I think _you're_ the one who needs contacts."

I ponder this. First my hearing, now my eyesight...Spoons isn't so great for my health, is it?

"Can you read minds?"

Cedward's eyebrows don't know where to go now. They shoot up, come down again, and then repeat the process several times.

"_WHAT?!_"

"I'm sorry, was that rude of me to ask?"

"Where on earth did you get that idea from?"

I look down. "I dunno."

"You should be ashamed for having such horrid, inaccurate thoughts."

I feel shame. I begin to cry.

"That's better. Don't ever let me here you utter something so ridiculous ever again."

"I promise, master." I wipe my eyes and then look at the frog. While I was busy feeling shame, I see that Cedward has completely butchered the frog.

"You haven't...done this before, have you?"

"I have, as a matter of fact. 67 times." He looks proud.

"I see." I haven't even done it once, and I can tell that what he's done is clearly wrong.

"See, this is the frog's heart. See?"

He's pointing at its liver.

I nod and smile. Okay, I can handle being the smart one in the relationship.

"What are you thinking about right now, Dehla?"

"What, can't you tell?"

This is clearly the wrong thing to say, because his eyebrows start to move again. Quickly I say, "I mean, isn't it obvious?"

"No. That is why I am asking you." He looks up at the ceiling and sighs.

Isn't that cute? He thinks _I'm_ the dumb one!

"Oh, uh, I'm thinking about how well you know your frog organs."

He grins. "Many thanks, Dehla."

Then the bell rings and he throws his dissecting-thingie across the room. It hits Mickey's frog, which somehow flies off the table and hits him in the face. I laugh at that for half a second, and then look next to me to see if I'm sharing a moment with Cedward...

But he's gone. Up and vanished.

I shake my head. This relationship is going to take a lot of hard work.

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	3. SPLAT

**CHAPTER 3 : SPLAT**

"Honey, Vegas is great. I can't tell you how much money I've made already. Plus, it's doing wonders for my self-esteem!"

I nod my head as I examine my reflection in the mirror, trying to decide if I look worthy enough to date the perfect god-like Cedward.

"How's Spoons going for you, sweetie?"

I shrug. I think I might need to pluck my eyebrow; I see a unibrow forming...

"Honey?"

"Mom, I said I don't know."

"You did?"

"Yes. You asked me how Spoons was, and I shrugged. What do you want me to do, scream it for you?"

She doesn't say anything for a moment. And then, "Er, honey, I can't exactly see you shrug through the phone."

Oh. "Well, Mom, I wouldn't know that. I hardly ever use the telephone."

"Oh, dear. So you're not popular, then?"

"No. Everyone hates me."

"Honey, I'm sure not _everyone_ hates you. Although maybe you'd get a little more attention if you'd just stop eating all those Twinkies..."

"Bye Mom." I hang up, wiping away tears. I've cried more since moving to Spoons than I've ever cried in my entire life. What a great place.

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The next day at school, I skip happily to Biology, ready to continue nurturing the seeds of my future budding relationship. Cedward's there already, of course. He's glaring at nothing, like he usually does. In fact, except for our little exchange yesterday, I've hardly seen any other expression on his face besides glares and scowls.

I guess I just make him that happy.

I run to my seat, contemplating if I should kiss him hello. Then I decide against it. He doesn't look like he's in a kissing mood.

"Hello, Cedward! It's great to see you!"

He swivels in his chair, and nods in acknowledgement. Then he turns away and faces the blackboard.

"Well, you're in a great mood."

Without looking at me, he says "I'm in a fine mood."

"Oh, okay! Well, how was your day?"

"Just fine."

I can almost hear the _until now_ that hangs in the air. I begin to droop. He's not even going to ask me how my day was!

Class begins and we work in silence; he completely ignores that there's an actual person occupying space beside him. When the bell rings, he leaps from his seat. I'm faster though, because I set my watch to match school time. I attempt to run ahead of him, but trip and end up sprawled out on the floor. Cedward takes one look at me, shrugs, and steps over my body.

I wonder if there's a point in getting up to go to my next class...or if there's even a point in living, now that I've found out that my soul mate doesn't give a rat's behind about me.

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The next day, it's snowing outside. I don't do snow, so I roll over and try to go back to sleep. Unfortunately Chuck has other ideas. I hear noises and wake up to find his face inches from mine.

"Wake up, sleepy head! Rise and shine! You don't want to be late, now, do you?"

I close my eyes and pull my blanket over my head. "Dad, I'm not going in today. I'm sick."

"Sick? Really? Well, I guess I _could_ drive you to the hospital on my way to work."

I sit up straight. I have a fear of hospitals. "On second thought, I think it was just gas."

"Gas, huh? You must take after you old man." He play punches me in the shoulder, except he does it way too hard. I lift my shirt and see that there's already a large bruise forming.

"Well, don't let me keep you, honeybunch. I have to get ready for work myself."

And then he's gone.

_Thank goodness._

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The ground outside is a mess. I can hardly walk to my car without slipping and sliding all over the place.

Somehow, I make it to school in my tiny metal death trap in one piece. This truly is a miracle, because I believe I lost a part of the engine around Exit 12.

When I get out of the car, I see Cedward standing across the lot, crossing his arms and scowling. He's really good at that. I try to imitate him, so that he'll see that I'm cool. Wait, first I need sunglasses – sunglasses make everything cooler! I reach into my back to get them, and after a moment of rummaging through my back, I hear the sound of a blaring horn.

Looking up in shock, I see this weird kid behind the wheel of this giant van. I vaguely remember meeting him yesterday – everyone called him T-man, I think. T-man is shouting at me in horror to move out of the way, and I'm just standing there in shock, because you know...T-man really isn't bad to look at!

The van just almost hits me when a blur comes out of nowhere and tackles me in a way that would make any college football scout thrilled to no end.

"Move, you stupid woman!"

I know instantly it's Cedward, and so I allow myself to swoon, pressing my body against his as he pushes me to the ground. He swivels his head to look at me in disbelief as I stick my finger through his belt loop. Would it be too much to pull him closer and kiss him?

"What...are...you...doing?"

Cedward is _way_ too heavy to move – and after a few unsuccessful tries of trying to lower him, I feel as if my arms are about to pop out of my sockets.

"Nothing. Nothing."

"You were almost _killed_! What were you thinking?!"

"Oh, right! T-man and his bad ass van!" I giggle, turning slightly to see the wall of the van that's inches from my body, and then gasping in disbelief at the perfect imprint of Edward's hand in the metal. In fact, looking down at his other hand, I see that he's holding the van up at least 3 feet into the air; T-man is crying and screaming like a baby in the distance.

"Cedward, what the..."

At that moment he drops the van, and it falls to the ground in a loud crash. "What?"

"How were you doing that?"

"Doing what?"

"Holding the van..."

"I wasn't holding the van."

"Yes, you were. You just put it down."

He shakes his head. "You've either hit your head that badly, or you're dumber than I thought."

"Are you saying you think I'm fat?"

"_What?_"

"It's okay. I understand. You don't want me." I wriggle out of arms and let myself rest on the cold, icy ground.

"_What_?"

I don't respond.

"Dehla, you were almost _killed_! Killed!"

"I wish I was dead."

I hear Cedward mutter something that sounds like "What am I going to do with you?" before standing up and brushing off his pants. "The ambulance is here. Let's go."

"Ambulance? What?"

"You're going to the hospital, Dehla. I think you've seriously injured something – I don't doubt that now."

"Nuh-uh. I ain't going to no hospital."

"Oh, for the love of..." Suddenly, I'm not on the ground anymore. Cedward has picked me up, and he's carrying me over to the EMS guys. I should be thrilled to be in his arms, but instead I'm furious; I kick and scream and struggle to remove myself from his iron grip, but it's useless.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"You're fine, Miss Dove. No broken bones, nothing serious." The nurse smiles at me, her eyebrows raised. I'm lying in a fetal position, doing everything in my power to prevent myself from planting my thumb in my mouth.

"Miss Dove?"

"Unnnhhh."

"Doctor Sullen will be in to see you soon, just to check you over. I'll leave you alone."

"Unnnhhh? Doctor S_ullen_?"

But the nurse is gone, leaving me alone in my confusion and pain.

T-man is lying in the bed next to me. "I'm sorry, Dehla. I didn't mean to run you over."

But who cares about him, anyway? I flip him off before standing up and pulling my jacket on. I _so_ don't need to be here. Who wants to meet Doctor Sullen, anyway? Not me. I'm not the least bit curious.

"Not so fast, Miss Dove."

I roll my eyes as I turn and, surprise surprise, there's Doctor Sullen.

My jaw drops, though, because Doctor Sullen is totally _hot_! I find myself stammering, and I begin to sweat profusely, cursing my body odor condition.

"Why don't you take a seat so that I can examine that head of yours." He's smiling and speaking very slowly, as if he thinks I'm retarded. Eager to please him, I leap into the hospital bed, crossing my legs and folding my hands on my lap like the good girl that I am.

"So, I hear you're pretty lucky – you were very nearly flattened by that young man's van, if I'm not mistaken."

"Uhhh duhhhuhh?" His teeth are like, so perfect – they're like tiny little pearls in his mouth, only whiter! And his eyes are so warm and golden and inviting...I find myself pressing my arms together, to produce a little extra cleavage.

He smiles and nods his head slowly. "Right. Okay." He turns to T-man, who's doubled over in laugher, though I can't imagine why. "Is she always like this?"

T-man nods, unable to speak.

"Okay. Well, I don't think you're seriously injured, then."

"I dunno about that, Dad."

I turn and, to make matters worse, there's Cedward. He's leaning casually against the wall, smirking.

I've only just put two and two together – and it would figure that this man would produce a boy that's equally as delicious. "Oh, Cedward, are you the doc's son?" I wince at my use of doc – even I can sense the lameness in that.

Cedward frowns at me. "Foster son. We're not actually related."

I turn back to Doctor Sullen. "Your foster son saved my life today. He totally pushed me out of the way, and lifted the van like, above his head. But then he put it down and said I was just hallucinating."

I hear T-man in the distance call out "Come to think of it, I did feel a little light-headed for a moment there. Almost like I was flying..."

"You did hit your head, Miss Dove. I'm sure that's all it was. Hallucinations are common in these situations. Why, I once had a patient who swore that --"

"No no no, this wasn't like that! I mean, Cedward was like, all the way over there, see? And I was all the way over here. And suddenly he was next to me and he was grabbing me – which was totally acceptable in its own right – and pushing me down to the ground and lying on top of me – also acceptable – and then all of a sudden T's van was all the way up there! And also, there was a hand print in the side of the van, and let me tell you, that wasn't _my _hand print."

"_What_?"

"It's okay, Dad. She's a little..." I turn just in time to see Cedward making a gesture indicating that I'm crazy.

"I _swear_! That all really happened!"

"Well, Miss Dove, I can assure you that you'll be feeling better in no time. I'd just get plenty of rest...and maybe a get a good shrink, while you're at it."

"I heard that!"

"I know. You were supposed to."

"Oh."

After Doctor Sullen signs off on my chart and leaves the room, I stand up and immediately march over to Cedward. "We need to talk," I tell him.

In the hallway, Cedward's face isn't as amused as it was inside of the room. In fact, he looks downright constipated.

"Listen, Dehla. There is nothing to talk about. I saved your life, now, can't you just be grateful?"

"I'm somewhat grateful, sure. But I'd like to know why you're lying to me."

"I'm not lying, Dehla. You heard my father. You need to see a shrink."

At that moment, Chuck seems to find it appropriate to run up to me from behind and squeeze me around the middle. "DARLING! Darling Dehla, dear, you're all right!" He picks me up and spins me around before setting me down. He gives Cedward the once over, before letting out a rather large belch. "Who's the kid?"

"Dad, this is Cedward. Cedward, this is...my dad."

"How are you today, Chief Dove."

"Fine." Chuck turns to me, frowning. "I don't like him, Dehla. You can't bring him home tonight."

"Dad...I...wasn't planning on it."

"Good. Besides, you're pretty much engaged to that kid I told you about."

"Engaged...to...who?"

"Never mind, now. Just don't bring Mister Coolio here home tonight. If you must have sexual relations, do it in the back of that car I bought you." He chuckles. "Kids will be kids."

After he finally leaves, Cedward raises an eyebrow. "I think you're not the only one in the Dove family who needs therapy."

"Tell me about it." I roll my eyes. "Anyway, where does this leave us, Cedward?"

"It leaves us at, 'Hi, thanks for coming, never speak to me again.'"

"Excuse me?"

"I want you to stay away from me. I don't want you to throw yourself at me anymore, or to give me what you think are seductive looks in class, or to even so much as dream about me at night. I want you to pretend I don't exist."

Damn. Harsh. "What did I do to deserve such an honor?"

"What did you do? Dehla, you _stink_," he says, before marching off, leaving me in tears.


	4. MAY 2011 UPDATE!

**UPDATE – MAY 2011**

Helloooo people!

It's been quite a while. As in, nearly two years. Dang!

I recently stumbled across the old documents for this – including the half-written fourth chapter – and I have to admit: it's really not half bad!

I'm considering finishing this one up, just for fun – because, let me tell you, as an aggressive Anti-Twihard, these were a scream and a half to write.

So, it's up to you guys, if anyone still has me on their alerts. If I get at least three people telling me they'd like to see more – well, I'll be happy to do it! I gave up fanfiction a long time ago, but I've had a bit of writers block with my actual stories, and writing fanfiction was always a way to get my creative juices flowing.

I might consider moving this over to a new account I've made – I'm not sure yet, though. Again, it will all depend on the response I receive for this update.

*And to anyone that was enjoying my other two Twilight pieces – sorry, they're totally dead. I never, ever plan on revisiting them.

**Also, after rereading it, I noticed a few errors – such as the majority of Chapter 3 being in italics. Weird. I'll have to go over everything and fix it, I suppose.

Faithully yours,

Luna x3


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